Squeaky wheels in need of grease

Larry Jones, Democrat Columnist

It seems for the better part of a year, our self-anointed Messiah in Washington, D.C., has been looking high and low for projects in which to throw away money we don’t have. Instead of giving away all of our tax dollars, as well as those of our grandchildren, to greedy bankers, inept automakers and corrupt politicians, let’s put some of it to a better use. As for me, I would like to see a few billion diverted to fund research for eradication of fire ants.

So you ask, “Why such an interest in something as mundane as killing ants?”

Most people have agendas they support, whether they are for saving whales, property rights, cancer research, gun control or Second Amendment rights. Right now mine happens to be fire ant elimination.

My interest in the subject was greatly piqued this past week as I was getting my last cutting of Coastal hay baled up before frost. A couple of years ago, I had decided I was getting too old to be in the hay business, so I sold all my equipment. By doing this, I could kick back and enjoy my retirement years more fully. Typical of many ventures I’ve pursued in the past, I just couldn’t stand success. I rationalized that what I needed to do was to get back in the hay business on a more limited scale. I actually enjoy getting out in the field, and by doing only my own hay crop, I could save enough in baling costs to more than pay for the equipment outlay.

Cutting, raking and baling hay is not all that hard work — as long as everything works as advertised. When I can stay in the air conditioned tractor cab and listen to Merle Haggard and Bob Wills on the stereo, everything is fine. However, it just never seems to work out that way.

Last week, despite having a relatively new round baler, I kept having problems with a pesky twine cutter. When the roll of hay has reached full size, it is wrapped with polyethylene twine, and when finished, the twine is cut and the bale ejected from the baler. For something as minor as that cutting device, it can sure be a nuisance when it doesn’t work. There’s only one thing to do — get off the tractor, crawl under the baler and cut the twine with your pocket knife. That gets old in a hurry.

For those of you who have never savored the experience, I can assure you getting hay residue and dirt down your collar and in your face while working underneath a baler is not all that pleasant — a necessary fact of life, but no fun.

Last week, as I was on my back trying to adjust the twine cutter, the wind was blowing briskly and I was being covered with baler trash. Being hot and sweaty I was stinging and itching all over. I ignored it as I toiled away working on the malfunctioning baler, and finally I couldn’t take it any longer. As I glanced down at myself, I discovered I was absolutely covered with fire ants. I immediately went berserk slapping the pesky critters, stripping off my clothes, and flailing around like Tom DeLay on Dancing with the Stars.

Despite receiving roughly a hundred stings that hurt like the dickens, I can at least be thankful for one thing — my hayfield is not on a public road. Law enforcement officers tend to lock up naked old men dancing around slapping themselves in public. As Martha Stewart might say, “That is a good thing.”

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Larry M. Jones is a retired Navy Commander and aviator who raises cattle and hay in the Brock/Lazy Bend part of Parker County. Comments may be directed to nowhearthis@pwhome.com.